Date: 9/3/2010

Musings part 1

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.**I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.**'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'**I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a housemate is a lot like a fly eater.**A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never be mates'**One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor?**If I have to move up in a building, I choose the lift over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.**When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults**I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.**They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whatas his name? Patches? Patches what? Thatas a dog. Dont waste my time.**The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast**The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades**If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, Id probably just start calling out letters**If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy**A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "Whats your favorite colour?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "Whats your favorite colour......person?"**I heard this lady say "I love kids." Thats nice i thought,... a little weird though. Its like saying "I like people, for a little while.".... "How old are you? 14? Fuck off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, thats fine. Its when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."...not gonna look good is it**


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